Ever since a couple of months ago when U.S. Senator Dianne Feinstein and U.S. Vice President Joseph Biden introduced their respective ideas to make the United States safer through increased gun control, various states, including New York, Maryland, California and Colorado have also taken up the cause.
However, in some backward states, just the opposite has happened, as Problem Children have begun to fight against our brother Control Freaks, and sought to loosen firearm restrictions on a state level. Such has been the case in the State of Utah, where some crazy legislators actually voted to make it easier to carry a firearm concealed, by ending the requirement to obtain a permit. This so-called “Constitutional Carry” is currently allowed in four states, and some Utahns thought that they should join the insanity.
Luckily, all was not lost, as wisdom prevailed and the governor of Utah, Gary Herbert, vetoed the legislation, H.B. 76, proclaiming that, “I think the laws we have on the books right now protect our Second Amendment rights.”
HAHAHAHAHA! And the stupid Utahns will probably believe that!
Well, hopefully now that Herbert has rejected such silliness, he will now work hard to actually increase restrictions on the keeping and bearing of firearms, as some of his peers in other states have. I, personally, can’t wait to see a state like Utah embrace the kind of loathing of individual firearm ownership that California and some eastern states currently have. Eventually, of course, the federal government will have the political will to do something permanently about this firearm plague, but in the meantime, Control Freak University looks to the progressive politicians like Herbert to lead the charge in their respective states.
So, without further delay, we here at Control Freak University honors Utah Governor Gary Herbert as our…
FREAK OF THE WEEK!
Sieg Heil, Baby!
Minions Beware!
In celebration of our latest Freak of the Week, we are releasing a new line of “Register my Weapon” t-shirts that are now available here. This section of the Paraphernalia will have various designs, starting with the current Toaster Pastry, Sling Shot and Constitution.
Sieg Heil, Baby!
Yes, minions, it’s only been a couple of months since U.S. Senator Dianne Feinstein and U.S. Vice President Joseph Biden have introduced their respective ideas to make the United States safer by bringing in stricter gun control. And Control Freak University is right there with them, as we honored them as our Freaks of the Week for January 18th and January 25th.
Now, as expected, some damn Problem Children have been attempting to slow down their worthy efforts in any way they can. But behold, not every victory is measured by new laws coming from Washington D.C. For across the New Amerika, the average citizen is embracing this glorious crusade to rid the streets of evil weapons, not by actually finding and removing them, but by demonizing the mere appearance of this evil, in recognizing that the children of this great nation hold the future of this cause in their hands, and must be taught to fear the onslaught of personal firearm ownership.
In fact, just over the last few weeks, three young children have been chastised for their overtly violent behavior, as they came to school with the intent to display the devices of death that plague the streets.
First, back in January, a 5-year-old female kindergartener in Pennsylvania was suspended 10 days by school administrators for threatening to harm her classmate with a Hello Kitty gun that shoots colored bubbles. Thank goodness these stalwart government employees recognized the peril this little cretin put all her school in, and reacted properly.
Then, in Michigan, a young hooligan named Hunter Fountain had the temerity to bring cupcakes to his third-grade class, laced with plastic WWII toy soldiers! The school authorities quickly confiscated the baked goods before Fountain’s classmates were psychologically damaged by the horrific scene.
But to top it all off, on March 3rd, 7-year-old Josh Welch of Baltimore, MD crafted a gun out of his Pop-Tart at school, and allegedly threatened his whole class by saying, “Bang! Bang!” while holding it firmly in his grip. His brave teacher interceded in the insurgency, confiscating said toaster pastry before anyone was injured. Of course, young Welch claimed that his teacher had misunderstood and overreacted.
Yeah, right, that’s what these little ruffians always say!
Yes, with more and more events like this, soon the entire nation will be constantly vigilant in watching for small children with similar dangerous weapons, and will immediately inform the Department of Homeland Security, just to be sure. This is Proof Positive that our plans are working, and Amerikans are slowly adopting a zero tolerance attitude towards any kind of weapon ownership, unless it’s the government, of course, and doing their civic duty by calling the appropriate authorities whenever they see something askew. After all, as our motto states: “Denounce your neighbor before he denounces you!”
Anyway, the choice is difficult this week, but we at Control Freak University have selected to reward the unnamed elementary teacher of Maryland’s Josh Welch as our…
FREAK OF THE WEEK!
Sieg Heil, Baby!
Control Freak University announces that Britain J. of the United States of Amerika is the WINNER of our initial give-away! Yes, Britain, you will soon be receiving the Official C.F.U. Learn to Control Others Trucker Hat! YAY!
The next C.F.U. give-away will soon be announced, so stay tuned!
Sieg Heil, Baby!
Well, mein minions, I know it may be hard to believe, but we Control Freaks love giving sheet away, especially when it creates dependency in our targets. Yep, and in keeping in line with the spirit of that concept, today we begin our first give-away of Control Freak University Paraphernalia. Yay!
In fact, we have chosen to start our succession of give-aways with this fine “CFU Learn to Control Others Trucker Hat”, which we actually allow you to purchase at our store for a mere $14.99 (USD).
Yes, this is an official black and white trucker’s hat with a specially designed mesh rear for ventilating C.F.’er hot heads. On the front, we have the famous CFU Red Dragon Head, along with our motto, “Learn to Control Others Before They Learn to Control You”.
So anyway, we’ve set up one of those “RaffleCopter” thingys for you to jump through to be registered in the give-away. The first entry is mandatory (divulge your favorite CFU Hall of Famer, or else!), cuz CFU is all about mandatory behavior. BTW, we’re only accepting entries from C.F.’ers that are 18 or older, with mailing addresses from either the United States or Canada. This give-away ends on March 4th at Midnight PST, because we had to pick the only day of the year that’s a command 
Good luck!
Sieg Heil, Baby!
Yes, minions, it just thrills me no end when a new controlling edict creates “unintended consequences” that are far more intrusive and pervasive than originally described. Such is the case now in New York City, where last year’s plan by Mayor Michael Bloomberg to ban restaurants and bars from serving soda drinks larger than 16 oz. is finally about to be instituted, come March 12th.
The actual rules from the Health Department are now being distributed to various food service establishments around the city, and the merchants are seeing that besides being unable to serve cups of the sugary elixir over 16 oz., they will also be unable to sell 2-liter bottles of pop with to-go orders, or serve large pitchers of pop and individual empty glasses to tables of thirsty customers, instead forcing the purchase of multiple “legal” size sodas.
HAHAHAHAHA! Fuckin’ A, what a deal!
Yes, it does seem the merchants would be happy to make more money on the extra sales, but no, many of them seem to actually be complaining because they no longer are able to decide what is best for their own business, besides questioning the enforceability of such rules. Stupid gits, they seem to think our past Freak of the Week is trying to hurt their businesses or something. Don’t they realize that all such government controls are created to help everyone involved, and that officials always know what is best for all stakeholders? Hmmm, some people…
Anyway, for once again leading the charge against overeating, overdrinking and overthinking, we congratulate New York City Major Michael Bloomberg as Control Freak University’s…
FREAK OF THE WEEK!
Sieg Heil, Baby!
Well, minions, lately, it seems to all be about the guns in the New Amerika, and how we Control Freaks need to calmly and logically explain why evil guns must be eliminated from public use. Unfortunately, some just don’t get it, and simply refuse to go along to get along. How un-mutual of them.
Yes, as those Problem Children cling to their religion and their guns, we C.F.’ers must redouble our efforts to make society safer by regulating, registering and eventually confiscating those evil assault weapons. However, in order to make the progress that is necessary, we must demonstrate why it is only common sense to disarm the people, since they can obviously rely on government to protect them.
In spite of our best efforts to move this agenda forward, there have been protests across the United States by those Problem Children, as they seek to slow our glorious gun-control advancement. Recently, these people have been meeting in their various state capitols, sometimes even having the audacity to carry around those same dangerous weapons that were used in last year’s Connecticut and Colorado massacres. Imagine, people brandishing those menacing devices, scaring innocent bystanders that happen to be there involved in legitimate governmental activities.
Well, in Nashville, Tennessee, authorities had finally had enough, so state troopers intervened during a pro-gun rally and arrested one Reggie Robertson of Byrdstown for bearing a villainous AR-15, charging him with unlawful carrying and possession of a weapon, a misdemeanor. Those stalwart troopers certainly knew what to do to prevent another onerous situation similar to what occurred back in 1946 in Athens, a small town in that very same state, wherein certain rebellious gun-owners took their crazy protest to the next level and actually overthrew the local authorities in a large shootout. It’s obvious that the Tennessee State Troopers have learned that lesson, and these days will move quickly to thwart any such hooliganism before it gets out of hand.
Fuckin’ A, it’s about time!
So, as another step forward has been made to keep these gun-toting Problem Children in check, we here at Control Freak University honor the loyal service exercised by those brave Tennessee Highway Patrolmen by naming them the…
CO-FREAKS OF THE WEEK!
Sieg Heil, Baby!
Well, my minions, I know it may be hard to believe, but we Control Freaks really love children. Yep, yep, yep. And why is that? Because they make great targets for our control. Yes, if they can make it out of the womb alive, we may as well take advantage of it, by using all of our resources to control them, cradle to grave, whether by manipulation, intimidation, or outright force.
Just think, in our modern world, children are introduced to our controlled technology early in life, whether that means parking the kiddies in front of the television, taking them to the most popular movies, letting them surf the internet, or giving them video games. Why? Because most of those things are slowly brainwashing children into accepting increasing Control Freak power, promoting the police/surveillance state, and simply doing as the government tells them. Besides the standard promulgation of all things that most of their great-grandparents found abhorrent, such as pre-marital sex, abortion and homosexuality.
HAHAHAHAHA! Nothing like breaking down the culture with pervasive technology!
Of course, the most powerful weapon in controlling children is not particularly high-tech at all — the public education system. How else can you send children away from their parents for half their waking hours, where non-critically accepting the teachings is enforced by parents?
HAHAHAHAHA! Parents are so fuckin’ trusting!
In fact, the most important goal of any Control Freak regime is to control the children to the point where they are more loyal to their government than to their own parents. Remember the Hitler Youth group? Yeah, that is the archetype, and the ultimate evidence of reaching that goal is when children will turn their parents into the authorities for such things as marijuana use, tax evasion, corporal punishment and gun ownership, but especially for speaking against the government.
Of course, it goes without saying that this has been going on for decades, as each subsequent generation is more subservient to our goals, and willingly go along with our Control Freak program. In the New Amerika, President Barack Obama is just carrying this out to a larger degree than his predecessors, and is much more blatant in his rhetoric.
Besides using children as puppets in slowly changing cultural mores, by rejecting their parents’ anachronistic paradigms, we can also use them in specific situations to justify more controls over society. The “Children Card” should be played frequently, though judiciously, in order to cause more anxiety amongst people that already fear for the safety of their children, so they can be manipulated into supporting whatever new restriction we C.F’ers formulate to better enslave, I mean, protect them.
In fact, we recently glorified Vice President Joseph Biden as our Freak of the Week, for doing this exact thing, as he wisely trotted out some children to help introduce the Obama Administration’s gun control agenda. There is nothing like seeing those sweet, innocent children being lined up to do their magic manipulation over the populace.
“This is our first task as a society: keeping our children safe. This is how we will be judged,” Obama said. “We can’t put this off any longer.”
HAHAHAHAHA, Mr. Obama, I couldn’t have said it any better myself! Ohhh, the cockles of my heart are warming!
Sieg Heil, Baby!
Mein minions! What you have all been desperately waiting for is now here — Control Freak University paraphernalia!
Yes, click here to purchase your Official Control Freak University Stylish Togs, Grog Containers and Geeky Sheet! There are several designs available, or if you don’t see what you demand, e-mail the FreakMeister, and depending on our collective mood, we may add the item. And there is a new Paraphernalia menu option at the top to get the C.F.U. Store anytime!
Here are some examples:
Learn to Control Others Water Bottle
CFU Property Fitted T-Shirt
Alumni White Dragon Mousepad
And with Valentine’s Day coming up fast, you still have time to get your order in for that special Control Freak in your life!
Sieg Heil, Baby!
This week, I’m not even going to pretend it was close. No, we here at Control Freak University had no problem selecting the Freak of the Week, because this story dominated the news in the New Amerika so much that no other choice was possible.
Yes, just like last week, the issue of gun control was in the spotlight again, and this week a certain U.S. Senator from California certainly did not disappoint. Ms. Senator stood up to the tyrannical gun lobby and quickly got to the point: no more crazy-ass dangerous assault weapons!
Our illustrious senator realized that the federal government must stop the importation and sales of these evil devices, then register the current ones, then…well, let’s just say the inevitable is inevitable, when it comes to how we Control Freaks view citizens having those horrific guns. After all, we C.F.’ers just want them to be safe, and the fewer guns the better, until there are none.
Inspired by the December mass killing of twenty schoolchildren in Connecticut by one Adam Lanza, our heroic California senator was primed to shoot back by banning all of the assault weapons she could find that looked like Lanza’s. OK, so Lanza didn’t actually use a rifle, since it was found in the car trunk after the fact, but that doesn’t really matter. It’s the thought that counts…
So, there was the good senator passionately introducing her glorious legislation to ban 150 assorted abhorrent weapons and all large-capacity magazines, and to eventually register all current guns and their owners. For her announcement to the press, she displayed several of the terrifying weapons that her bill would ban, and then thoughtfully kept the press corps away from the display, lest one of the weapons spontaneously discharge hundreds of bullets and slaughter everyone within miles.
In spite of some expected Congressional opposition from the Problem Legislators, we heartily honor U.S. Senator Dianne Feinstein from the Great Soviet of California for firing the first legislative shot in what hopefully will not become a lengthy effort to finally get the unsafe guns out of the hands of the untrustworthy Amerikan people. Dianne, here’s a special “Seig Hiel, Baby” going out to you as you are duly recognized as Control Freak University’s…
FREAK OF THE WEEK!
Sieg Heil, Baby!
Join Us Minion – If You Dare!
